Conflicts at work often stir up strong emotions. Perhaps a lot of misunderstandings have built up over time, or there has been a breach of trust that still hurts. Some conflicts are visible and loud, with raised voices and clear disagreements. Others show up more quietly, through passive aggression, silence or a lack of cooperation.
However they show themselves, they are rarely just about practical tasks or who is right. Beneath the surface, there is often a need to be seen, understood and recognised as a colleague and as a person. Precisely because we spend so much time at work, it hurts all the more when we feel overlooked, misunderstood or misjudged.
In the middle of all these emotions, you have a choice. You can help open up a space for dialogue and understanding. Even when you are irritated or hurt, you can choose to take a small step towards connection. Not because it is easy, but because it can make a difference. You don’t have to be perfect, just willing to help create something a little better: for yourself, for your team and for the working environment.
Three steps to handling conflict at work calmly
1. Avoid blame
When we are in the middle of a conflict, it is easy to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. We point out mistakes, criticise and become defensive. That is entirely human, but it rarely leads to solutions. On the contrary, it often causes the other person to shut down and the dialogue to reach a deadlock.
2. Start with yourself
When you start by looking at yourself instead, at your feelings, your needs and how you react, something important happens:
- You bring a calmer energy to the conversation.
- You take responsibility for your own experience.
- You don’t shift the blame, but invite understanding.
It is much easier for a colleague to accept “I’m finding this challenging” than “You’re ruining our working relationship!”
Starting with yourself doesn’t mean taking all the blame. It means taking the lead in the dialogue. It is a choice that reduces the risk of the conflict turning into a fight, and increases the chance that it can become a turning point.
3. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
In a conflict, we often want to explain ourselves, defend ourselves or win with our arguments. But here is the paradox: when both sides are trying to be heard at the same time, nobody is listening.
By first trying to understand what the other person really feels and needs, something important happens: their defences come down. They feel heard, and that opens the way for them to hear you.
This is not a tactic for winning, but a way of creating a space where real cooperation can grow, even in the middle of a difficult situation at work. Sometimes it can be the difference between a deadlocked working environment and a team that finds a way forward together.
Change starts when you take responsibility
Conflicts in the workplace can be demanding, but they can also be an opportunity for growth, both for you and for the organisation. Asking yourself questions such as “What am I contributing that makes this difficult?” and “What could I do differently to create more cooperation?” is not always comfortable, but it is often essential.
It takes courage to look inwards, but that is also where change begins. Perhaps you could be the one to take the first step. Not necessarily because it is fair, but because it is wise and brave, and because it can strengthen mutual trust, build understanding and pave the way for real progress.
Anja Walstad is a guest writer on conflict management for Sunne Organisasjoner. Get in touch if you would like to know more or need support: psykolog.walstad@gmail.com christian@sunneorg.no.